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States to close borders, create massive complex
By Corrections.com
Published: 04/01/2008

UNITED STATES - Representatives of four corrections facilities admitted today that their state legislators voted in a late session on Capitol Hill to close their borders and create a massive prison complex to combat the growing challenge of prison overcrowding.

"The idea is that Utah, Wyoming, Kansas and Georgia would become one gigantic prison complex where only prisoners would be maintained," said one prison official who asked not to be named because of the highly confidential matter.

"The trick now is to convince the other states between Kansas and Georgia to play along so we can completely close off the land we need," said another source.

According to Corrrections.com sources, legislators representing Arkansas, Mississippi, and Alabama are protesting the move saying they will not bow to pressure from the "reckless western states who came up with this crazy idea."

Prison officials hadn't planned on unveiling the plan until the states needed to complete their plan caved under enormous pressure and, if need be, accepted "bribes of sweet candy and creamy hand lotion."

"It's incredible to think that we as distinguished lawmakers would allow our citizens to live in a gigantic prison complex with hardened criminals, drug dealers and the like," said one legislator. "Although free hand cream is enticing."

Corrections officials refused to acknowledge what they would do with the innocent citizens of these new "prison states," as far as re-locating them to other states or turning them into "free, co-inmates" so they could legally live within the confines of the complex.

"We really weren't going to address that with anyone because we didn't think anyone would notice the large, menacing barbed-wire fences along the new borders," one official admitted.

"There would still be the staples of life inside this complex. Stores like Wal-Mart, Target, McDonald's, Burger King, other food stores, and malls too- they'd all be there, and even a J. Jill, Talbot's and J. Crew too. We figured that if the shopping options remained the same no one would notice that they lived in a prison, because inmates aren't allowed to shop in any of those stores anyway."

Corrections.com will continue to report on this ridiculously fabricated story through out this April Fool's Day.


Comments:

  1. Diogenes on 04/02/2008:

    If this only were a 100% April Fools joke. The for-profit prison industry has expanded its reach through states such as Texas, where dozens of these poorly regulated, dangerous pigstyes are sited. Vendors are currently working to extend their empires into numerous small cities and rural towns in Oklahoma. They staff these poorly constructed monstrosities with guards making as little as $7 an hour. Turnover, the last time the industry admitted it, was 52% a year. There is slipshod background screening done, and those with little aptitude or tolerance for stressful jobs may be the majority of their new hires. CCA, the biggest outfit with a billion and a half in revenues last year are using federal hurricane relief funding to subsidize these "Rent-a-Pens." Riots and escapes constitute business as usual for the private sector. It's not just a joke, when it comes this close to reality.


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