Editor’s note: This story is being shared with us by
Desert Waters Correctional Outreach. The non-profit organization and its newsletter, Correctional Oasis, are dedicated to the well being of correctional staff and their families.
There is much talk in corrections about the stressfulness of the job. Mention is made of offender over-crowding, short-staffing, “difficult” coworkers.
However, often some staff appears to be more affected by
negative conditions than others. Why is that? What is
the vehicle through which external stressors “get to”
those exposed to them?
Stress happens through people’s perception of and reaction to events in their environment.
The perception of insult or danger, and the reactions of
anger and fear are big stress-generating culprits. They
trigger in our bodies the same biochemical reactions we
would experience had a Siberian tiger pounced on us.
One form of anger is resentment, rehashing a hurtful
incident and re-experiencing its insult repeatedly. People who “did us wrong” may be dead and gone, yet resentment keeps tormenting us.
The only way I know to
end this misery is letting go, forgiving. In fact, psychological research shows that forgiving has beneficial
influence on our health—body, soul and spirit.
In my exchanges with corrections staff I have noted
that to some, forgiving amounts to defeat and “loss of
face.”
For them the pursuit of justice clouds their understanding of the nature and value of forgiveness.
So here are a few thoughts on what forgiving is and
what it is not.
May reading these notions make it possible for you to get rid of some stress by purging old resentments and finding more peace.
Forgiving is not:
- Forgetting (having no recollection) of the
hurt/wrongdoing we suffered.
- Feeling no pain from the wrongdoing.
- Acting as if we have not been affected by the hurt.
- Denying or minimizing the accountability of the
person who mistreated us.
- Believing that the person who mistreated us should
get off scot-free.
- Being able to trust the person who mistreated us as
if no offense had ever taken place.
- Being able to be friends with the person who mistreated us.
- Condoning/approving of/not minding the hurt we experienced.
- Acting as if we should not protect ourselves from
those who mistreated us.
Forgiving is:
- Canceling the emotional, spiritual or material debt
owed to us. (Seeking restitution or other legal consequences may be in order in some situations, and can
coexist with forgiveness.)
- Letting go of hatred toward those who mistreated us.
- No longer demanding that whoever hurt us should be
perpetually punished.
- No longer demanding that whoever hurt us should be
hated by whoever loves us or cares about us.
- Ceasing to hope that bad things would happen to
those who hurt us or to their loved ones.
- Ceasing to rejoice, openly or secretly, when bad
things do happen to those who mistreated us.
- Letting go of fantasies of revenge or vengeful actions
against those who mistreated us.
- Letting go of a “victim” identity by taking responsibility for our own reactions and choices.
- Seeing through the meanness of those who hurt us to
their self-deception and their destructive values. They
may think they hurt us, but in reality they hurt themselves more than anyone else.
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