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Borderline PTSD
By Carl ToersBijns, former deputy warden, ASPC Eyman, Florence AZ
Published: 01/12/2015

Correctionsofficer

Here I am sitting and pondering how I can change things again. Never bored but always looking for something has to change. We are stuck in an undeniable dilemma here in boredom land and boredom is not something anyone should have to bear. A seeker of constant excitement and stimulation winds me up like a clock and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I need more. I need more to satisfy me so I can feel, breathe and know I am alive.

How can I change these tired moments into pleasures? How does a person relax when he is looking to find a balance or blend between pain and comfort until it’s enough? Say the word and I will be there by your side as nothing seems to satisfy me more that doing this boredom thing together. Together we will find a way to satisfy the life we are living.

Sometimes these trips to the other side hurt a little. Sometimes the journey desensitizes my emotions as I stop feeling anything at all. Elbow deep inside the borderline of boredom I stand shoulder deep with you as we sand side by side, hand in hand. Exposed by a mixture of love and hate I look forward to being totally free of hate but its killing me just the same. I can feel a storm coming over me again and again over and over as it bleeds me and cuts my heart in two.

Sometimes I hear a venomous voice calling out to me. Sometimes I feel temptation and dark shadows dragging me down to my knees defying gravity and willpower. I fight with all my might to keep this feeling come over me and as I connect to your hand, I beg my heart to stay open and keep me from fading or slipping away. The snake is near, it is shedding its skin and looking in its eyes I can see he is bound and determined in killing the spirit inside of me.

I feel that touching you will keep me safe. I know that having you will change my ways and I know that if I can tear these walls of despair down to the ground, I can love you again. I search for deep water so the snake will drown. I know that if I can shake this evil spirit, it will all fade away. Days away from seeing you or touching you, I feel you touching me and changing me back to the way it was before.

Change is coming through the shadows. I can see my wounds heal as I stop picking the scabs created by the bites of the snake as it has been crawling around looking for a weakness. Although confused, I wallow in my mind to clear my head of any delusions. My shadows is still following me and as I feel the change, it wants to pull me back inside and poison my memory of you and all the good things you bring into my life.

I chose to live, I chose to change and I listen to my heart as it grows fond of the way you hold my hand and take me out of this borderline of boredom. I see my shadow changing. I see my armor soften up as my heart yearns and cries for your touch. I am hoping I can clear the way to see you again as I cross this borderline of boredom back into rationality again. No more hate, no more paranoia and no more lies to kill the good things life has given me. I hope to step out of my shadow soon and come out back on the other side.

Corrections.com author, Carl ToersBijns, (retired), has worked in corrections for over 25 yrs He held positions of a Correctional Officer I, II, III [Captain] Chief of Security Mental Health Treatment Center – Program Director – Associate Warden - Deputy Warden of Administration & Operations. Carl’s prison philosophy is all about the safety of the public, staff and inmates, "I believe my strongest quality is that I create strategies that are practical, functional and cost effective."

Other articles by ToersBijns:



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