>Users:   login   |  register       > email     > people    


Do You Qualify with Your Emotions? - Part 4
By Caterina Spinaris
Published: 10/10/2011

Emotion
Corrections staff are experts at containing incarcerated individuals within correctional facilities and managing frustrated offenders. Just as important for the staff’s well-being and the smooth running of institutions, however, is the ability to regulate one’s own emotions and manage friction that builds among staff, keeping it from becoming all-out conflict. After all, you’re on the same team and you NEED ONE ANOTHER!

How can conflict management (and ideally, conflict resolution) be done professionally and skillfully?

When confronted by someone or when in disagreement with them, our first urge is to try to prevail in the argument and “win” by convincing the other party that we are right and they are wrong. However, conflict management experts advocate that when disagreeing with others, we need to do less “convincing” and more listening to them and “thinking together” about the problem at hand. There are several reasons for that. One is that if we try to overwhelm a person and force them to accept our view, we have just made an enemy. This guarantees that we will continue experiencing problems with that person in the future.

Another reason for listening and discussing among the parties concerned is based on the assumption that all in-volved in a disagreement have some validity to their perspective. Therefore, all parties can make worthwhile contributions toward resolving a challenge and managing conflict.

A third reason for working at listening well and thinking together is that these two activities are likely to provide us with the necessary data to come up with the best solutions possible.

To capture a way to address conflict effectively, I came up with a simple tool, with the acronym LUVEM. This is one way to pull together, in the order needed, various interpersonal skills that contribute to conflict management. The acronym LUVEM stands for Listen, Understand, Validate, Explain, and Maintain.

LISTEN
Listening aims to:
  • Convey respect
  • Understand the other party’s reasoning, foundational assumptions, and concerns
  • Discover what is acceptable to the other party and what they hold dear
  • Discover better ways to communicate with the other party through learning their “language” and pre-senting issues in terms of their interests and values

Listening needs to be done
  • Calmly
  • Respectfully
  • Attentively
  • “Deeply,” that is, with the goal of trying to understand the other’s agenda

The listener pays attention to the following spoken and unspoken messages:
  • Verbal
  • Non-verbal (expressed through facial expression, tone of voice, body language)
  • "Hidden” in the communication, hinted at, implied
  • Listening is done by:
    • Making periodic eye contact with the other person without staring or glaring at them
    • Not interrupting
    • Making “ah hum” noises once in a while
    • Nodding periodically
    • At appropriate moments repeating back to the speaker what s/he said
    • Asking open-ended questions—What, How, When
    • Asking for clarification when unsure of what was said
    • Summarizing the speaker’s statements after a lengthy amount of sharing by the other party

UNDERSTAND
Effective conflict de-escalation requires understanding the other party’s thinking process, perspective, fundamental presuppositions, prior experiences with the issue, and what they consider “sacred” and non-negotiable.

Therefore while listening try to understand the other party’s:
  • Point of view
  • Emotions
  • Motives
  • Needs
  • Difficulties

VALIDATE
To convey your understanding to the other party convincingly, you need to validate them. To do so:
  • Stay away from put downs and criticism
  • Point out even a kernel of wisdom, truth or usefulness in the other party’s perspective, requests, choices or behavior

Validating does not necessarily mean “accepting,” “agreeing with” or “condoning.” Validating is based on the ability to empathize—to put ourselves in the other person’s situation and look at the world through their eyes. The following are some examples of validating statements: “I can see how you arrived at this conclusion. My intention, however, was to ....” “You really tried. And this is how I’d like you to handle it next time ….” “I can see how you ended up reacting this way.” “This must have been a big disappointment for you!” “I know. This is a handful.”

EXPLAIN
After listening, understanding to the best of your ability and validating, you have increased your chances that when it is your turn to present your side of the issue, the other party will listen.

So now it is your turn to explain:
  • Your goals for the discussion—what you hope to accomplish through talking with the other party
  • Your position—your perspective of the situation
  • Your objections to the other person’s conduct (if applicable)
  • What you are willing to do on your end regarding the situation
  • What you request from the other party and why

For example, to ask for changes in someone’s behavior, you can use the following “recipe.”
  • When you do __, I/we/our team gets impacted in the following ways: ___.
  • And what I need for you to do instead is _______.
  • The benefits of that to you/the team will be _______.
  • If you choose not to make those changes, then the negative consequences will be ______.

Usually, after you explain your position, the normal course of events is that you will need to do some more listening, understanding and validating of the other party.

MAINTAIN
There can be several rounds of these phases. Throughout the exchange it is vital to contain your emotional reactions and respond professionally in order to maintain:
  • A creative problem-solving focus which promotes thinking outside of the box to find solutions to challenges affecting both parties
  • An optimistic attitude, that a solution CAN be found
  • A considerate attitude about of the legitimate interests of all parties involved. “Win-win” solutions are more likely to be implemented and for longer periods of time than approaches that favor one party at the expense of the other.

So, next time you have a run-in with another staff member or with a loved one at home, remember to LUVEM™! Containing the intensity of a disagreement and managing a fiery conflict with finesse so solutions can be identified will help keep down the stress level of all concerned.

Reprinted with permission from "CORRECTIONAL OASIS" A Publication of "Desert Waters Correctional Outreach"

Do You Qualify with Your Emotions? - Part I - Part II - Part III

Visit the Caterina Tudor page

Other articles by Tudor:



Comments:

  1. johnb6174 on 12/12/2019:

    I read a article under the same title some time ago, but this articles quality is much, much better. How you do this.. Artificial Flowers

  2. johnb6174 on 12/10/2019:

    Thanks for taking the time to discuss this, I feel strongly about it and love learning more on this topic. click here

  3. yajolos on 12/09/2019:

    This is very educational content and written well for a change. It's nice to see that some people still understand how to write a quality post.! read more

  4. johnb6174 on 12/09/2019:

    I am definitely enjoying your website. You definitely have some great insight and great stories. cheap eyeglasses

  5. johnb6174 on 12/08/2019:

    Hi! Thanks for the great information you have provided! You have touched on crucuial points! create your own t shirt

  6. johnb6174 on 12/07/2019:

    Please let me know if you’re looking for a article writer for your site. You have some really great posts and I feel I would be a good asset. If you ever want to take some of the load off, I’d absolutely love to write some material for your blog in exchange for a link back to mine. Please send me an email if interested. Thank you! Pháp Luân Đại Pháp

  7. johnb6174 on 12/06/2019:

    Best work you have done, this online website is really cool with great facts. property damage adjuster

  8. johnb6174 on 12/04/2019:

    I’ve been searching for some decent stuff on the subject and haven't had any luck up until this point, You just got a new biggest fan!.. http://ypick.me

  9. yajolos on 12/03/2019:

    I admire what you have done here. I like the part where you say you are doing this to give back but I would assume by all the comments that this is working for you as well. Trung tâm du học Hàn Quốc

  10. johnb6174 on 12/01/2019:

    i love reading this article so beautiful!!great job! Girls Birthday Dress

  11. johnb6174 on 11/29/2019:

    thanks for the tips and information..i really appreciate it..click tracker of-link-tracking-software-2cfa45ad544f'>sales tracking softwares

  12. johnb6174 on 11/27/2019:

    Excellent and very exciting site. Love to watch. Keep Rocking. tax law blog

  13. yajolos on 11/22/2019:

    Thanks for the blog loaded with so many information. Stopping by your blog helped me to get what I was looking for. Bulle Immobiliere

  14. johnb6174 on 11/22/2019:

    Thank you very much for this great post. Karriere per Fernstudium

  15. johnb6174 on 11/22/2019:

    Excellent article. Very interesting to read. I really love to read such a nice article. Thanks! keep rocking. english lessons houston

  16. yajolos on 11/21/2019:

    This article gives the light in which we can observe the reality. This is very nice one and gives indepth information. Thanks for this nice article. Livermore Real Estate

  17. yajolos on 11/20/2019:

    Thanks for taking the time to discuss this, I feel strongly that love and read more on this topic. If possible, such as gain knowledge, would you mind updating your blog with additional information? It is very useful for me. French BullDog

  18. johnb6174 on 11/18/2019:

    I found your this post while searching for some related information on blog search...Its a good post..keep posting and update the information. anorexia nerviosa

  19. yajolos on 11/17/2019:

    Thanks for posting this info. I just want to let you know that I just check out your site and I find it very interesting and informative. I can't wait to read lots of your posts. Jazz Pera

  20. yajolos on 11/17/2019:

    I was looking at some of your posts on this website and I conceive this web site is really instructive! Keep putting up.. treatment for kennel cough

  21. johnb6174 on 11/15/2019:

    You completed a few fine points there. I did a search on the subject and found nearly all persons will go along with with your blog. Agenzia seo Milano

  22. johnb6174 on 11/13/2019:

    Best work you have done, this online website is really cool with great facts. home improvement news

  23. yajolos on 11/11/2019:

    Impressive web site, Distinguished feedback that I can tackle. I am moving forward and may apply to my current job as a pet sitter, which is very enjoyable, but I need to additional expand. Regards. screen enclosure repair

  24. johnb6174 on 11/05/2019:

    That is really nice to hear. thank you for the update and good luck. Tishbi Travel

  25. yajolos on 11/03/2019:

    Pretty nice post. I just stumbled upon your weblog and wanted to say that I have really enjoyed browsing your blog posts. After all I’ll be subscribing to your feed and I hope you write again soon! best compression socks for nurses 2019

  26. lejaceya on 10/28/2019:

    Thanks for sharing this information. I really like your blog post very much. You have really shared a informative and interesting blog post with people.. french guest post

  27. lejaceya on 10/27/2019:

    Very nice article, I enjoyed reading your post, very nice share, I want to twit this to my followers. Thanks!. Armor Services Roofing Cincinnati

  28. yajolos on 10/23/2019:

    This is a good post. This post gives truly quality information. I’m definitely going to look into it. Really very useful tips are provided here. Thank you so much. Keep up the good works. salon near me

  29. yajolos on 10/23/2019:

    I can see that you are an expert at your field! I am launching a website soon, and your information will be very useful for me.. Thanks for all your help and wishing you all the success in your business. Water Sporty

  30. yajolos on 10/21/2019:

    I am happy to find this post Very useful for me, as it contains lot of information. I Always prefer to read The Quality and glad I found this thing in you post. Thanks us mailing change of address

  31. yajolos on 10/20/2019:

    Excellent information on your blog, thank you for taking the time to share with us. Amazing insight you have on this, it's nice to find a website that details so much information about different artists. Mullins farms

  32. yajolos on 10/20/2019:

    This is my first time i visit here. I found so many interesting stuff in your blog especially its discussion. From the tons of comments on your articles, I guess I am not the only one having all the enjoyment here! keep up the good work

  33. yajolos on 10/12/2019:

    Is it okay to post part of this on my website basically post a hyperlink to this webpage? Business Magazine

  34. yajolos on 10/09/2019:

    Thanks so much for sharing this awesome info! I am looking forward to see more posts by you! increase search engine rankings

  35. yajolos on 10/09/2019:

    I admire what you have done here. I like the part where you say you are doing this to give back but I would assume by all the comments that this is working for you as well. http://bestlocalseoexperts.com

  36. yajolos on 10/07/2019:

    This is a good post. This post gives truly quality information. I’m definitely going to look into it. Really very useful tips are provided here. Thank you so much. Keep up the good works. http://www.bsatroop672.org

  37. yajolos on 10/02/2019:

    Very good written article. It will be supportive to anyone who utilizes it, including me. Keep doing what you are doing – can’t wait to read more posts. find more info

  38. yajolos on 09/30/2019:

    You completed a few fine points there. I did a search on the subject and found nearly all persons will go along with with your blog. Fire Protection Online

  39. yajolos on 09/28/2019:

    nice post, keep up with this interesting work. It really is good to know that this topic is being covered also on this web site so cheers for taking time to discuss this! kookworkshop

  40. yajolos on 09/26/2019:

    Some truly wonderful work on behalf of the owner of this internet site , perfectly great articles . mobile klimaanlage

  41. yajolos on 09/11/2019:

    Awesome article! I want people to know just how good this information is in your article. It’s interesting, compelling content. Your views are much like my own concerning this subject. ucdm

  42. yajolos on 09/05/2019:

    That is the excellent mindset, nonetheless is just not help to make every sence whatsoever preaching about that mather. Virtually any method many thanks in addition to i had endeavor to promote your own article in to delicius nevertheless it is apparently a dilemma using your information sites can you please recheck the idea. thanks once more. harley street anti ageing clinic

  43. yajolos on 09/03/2019:

    Wonderful blog! I found it while surfing around on Yahoo News. Do you have any suggestions on how to get listed in Yahoo News? I’ve been trying for a while but I never seem to get there! Appreciate it. Poster holder

  44. yajolos on 09/01/2019:

    You have done a great job on this article. It’s very readable and highly intelligent. You have even managed to make it understandable and easy to read. You have some real writing talent. Thank you. replace heating and air conditioning near me

  45. yajolos on 08/31/2019:

    I just want to let you know that I just check out your site and I find it very interesting and informative.. damp surveys London

  46. yajolos on 08/31/2019:

    Wonderful article, thanks for putting this together! This is obviously one great post. Thanks for the valuable information and insights you have so provided here. küchenstudio klagenfurt

  47. yajolos on 08/20/2019:

    Great job for publishing such a beneficial web site. Your web log isn’t only useful but it is additionally really creative too. There tend to be not many people who can certainly write not so simple posts that artistically. Continue the nice writing opening of third eye

  48. Barry Leon on 12/17/2018:

    You need to qualify with all of your emotions this was the new series that going to be releases its 4th part. I need to get the all episode of this that was i buy best essay from the formation of all friction on it that was good to have.


Login to let us know what you think

User Name:   

Password:       


Forgot password?





correctsource logo




Use of this web site constitutes acceptance of The Corrections Connection User Agreement
The Corrections Connection ©. Copyright 1996 - 2019 © . All Rights Reserved | 15 Mill Wharf Plaza Scituate Mass. 02066 (617) 471 4445 Fax: (617) 608 9015