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Archive for July, 2014

Communicating Safely in the Midst of Disagreement

July 23rd, 2014

Working in corrections takes a toll on staff’s personal relationships. Relationships with significant others are difficult enough under the best circumstances, let alone when people repeatedly come home after work seriously stressed. This article examines ways to communicate and problem-solve when tension builds due to a disagreement.

In healthy relationships, the purpose of communicating regarding a disagreement has several facets: (1) to understand each other’s perspective, needs and wants about the subject of concern; (2) to brainstorm for possible solutions to deal with the current differences; and (3) to agree to a mutually acceptable and viable solution to the problem at hand.

Ideally, before any such major disagreement emerges, a couple needs to spell out and agree to certain ground rules for managing their differences. Effective ways to communicate safely and constructively on such occasions need to be identified and agreed upon ahead of time. No one would think of playing sports or any other game before first presenting and agreeing upon how the players are to conduct themselves throughout the event. If we do that for a game, how much more should we do something similar for activities that may affect the safety and future of what may well be our most important relationship? (I remember in the 1990’s hearing John Bradshaw say that we get more training for driving a car than we do for being married and for raising a child.) Often-times, however, we do not know what safe and effective communication looks like. We may have not seen it take place or experienced it directly. That is where a few premarital counseling sessions (or even a good book on the subject) may prove to be a very wise investment.

Here are some thoughts on the matter, in a nutshell, to help you communicate safely and sanely with your partner when you have to discuss an area of disagreement:

  1. Agree to limit your discussion to one issue at a time– and exercise the self-control required to honor that.
  2. Listen attentively to what your partner is saying.
  3. Repeat back what you hear them saying so they know that you are listening and they have the opportunity to correct you if you misunderstood them.
  4. Ask for clarification when not sure about the meaning of something your partner said.
  5. Ask open-ended questions to try to gather more information that will help you improve your understanding of your partner’s perspective. Open ended questions do not have Yes or No answers. They start with How, What, When, Where.
  6. Do not interrupt while your partner is talking.
  7. Maintain an open and respectful body posture and facial expression. That is, monitor your body language. No glaring, frowning, rolling of the eyes. No folded arms. No torso or face turned away from your partner. Maintain eye contact while keeping your arms at your sides or resting in front of you. Remember to smile every once in a while in a friendly way.
  8. When it is your turn to speak, talk about your own perspective and your own experience using “I” messages (“I feel __,” “I think __,” “I want __,” “I need __”).
  9. Avoid mind-reading— that is, assuming that you know what your partner thinks, feels or intends to do, or what their motives are.
  10. Avoid verbally attacking your partner through “You” messages (such as through expressions of contempt, disrespect, sarcasm, ridicule, accusation, criticism or blame).
  11. Avoid “I” messages that are in reality critical “You” messages, such as, “I feel that you are being unfair” or “I think that you are all wrong.”
  12. Avoid all-inclusive critical or accusatory generalizations (e.g., “You always __,” “You never __.”)
  13. Let your partner know when you think that they have made a good point, or when you agree with what they said.
  14. Avoid power-plays (blackmail, intimidation or manipulation) through threats of escalation or revenge.
  15. If your partner begins to violate the ground rules, point that out to them and ask them to regroup and respect the rules.
  16. Absolutely avoid aggressive physical contact with your partner when angry.
  17. Remind each other periodically that you are on the same team, that you are not each other’s enemy, that you love, cherish and appreciate one another.
  18. Dialogue until both parties have said all they want to say about the issue.

Stop the discussion and agree to revisit the matter at a future time if:

  1. At least one party is consistently violating the communication ground rules and tempers are escalating, that is, when at least one party has become too emotional to be capable of calm and logical. Aim to agree to meet again at a later time when “cooler” minds prevail.
  2. Either party fears they may lose control physically or verbally— doing or saying something destructive.
  3. Either party needs more time to think things through.
  4. There is a significant number of interruptions and you cannot stay focused on the topic.
  5. The timing for the discussion turns out to be inappropriate for any other reason.


P.A.V.E. Your Road to Wellness

July 23rd, 2014

Revised and reprinted from the March 2009 issue of the Correctional Oasis.

There are four areas that are pillars of wellness for corrections staff. These include:

  • (a) Processing the emotional impact of the job;
  • (b) Identifying and using Antidotes to neutralize negative consequences of work-related stressors;
  • (c) Having a positive Vision for their professionals and personal life; and
  • (d) Offering words of Encouragement to oneself and also to others.

(a) Processing: Emotional processing refers to the “digesting” of the fallout of stressful life events in order to be able to continue to move past them and to even grow as a result of them. Like milk is processed into cheese and peanuts to peanut butter, processing converts the emotional impact of events to constructive lessons learned and distressing memories that get “filed” so they are no longer acutely disturbing. Such processing can reduce negative mood and thoughts, and related acting out behaviors (such as going on a drinking binge or an overeating binge).

Processing requires willingness and determination to examine our inner life, to become aware of our thoughts, emotions, intentions and urges. Processing is not for the faint of heart, as being honest with ourselves requires courage. (Someone once said, “The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable.”) It is much easier to try to escape emotional discomfort through addictive behaviors or through attempts to take our frustrations out on others, instead of facing our inner reality and taking responsibility for our well-being.

Common methods of processing involve talking to trusted others about the issue, writing, or pursuing specialized psychological treatment.

(b) Antidotes: An antidote is a counter-dose, a chemical that negates the effects of a poison. If bitten by a rattle snake, you need the antidote of rattle snake anti-venom to neutralize the venom in your body. At work, you may have some emotionally painful interactions and experiences. These negative experiences need to be countered, and their “venom” neutralized, in order for you to regain your peace of mind. Telling yourself the truth is fundamental. Having someone you can confide in is also essential. Getting enough sleep and having a meaningful and love-filled life outside of work are key basic antidotes for corrections workers. Being outdoors in the beauty of nature refreshes your spirit. Working out on a regular basis de-stresses your body. Engaging in enjoyable hobbies and other activities, such as volunteering, refuels your soul. Make a list of the antidotes that work for you. Then put them to practice.

(c) Vision: Research shows that having a vision to pursue—a purpose to get out of bed every day—boosts health. Vision guides how you invest your life, what you do to impact others, and what legacy you want to leave behind. Vision helps you see yourself as part of something bigger than yourself. It propels you beyond your solitary existence as an individual to a person who sees and embraces the big picture, a person who invests in the welfare of others, both now and in the future.

How do you come up with a vision for your life? Start by asking yourself what principles you value dearly, what causes you are passionate about—what makes you feel the most alive, what you sense your natural talents are, and what brings you joy. Then start thinking of ways to uphold these principles and to promote those causes through the use of your talents and by doing what brings you joy.

(d) Encouragement: This practice is about “speaking words of life” to yourself and to others. The word “encouragement” is composed of two words: “in” and “courage.” So encouraging someone is like injecting a dose of courage into them! Think about that!! It’s no wonder that encouragement can be so energizing and empowering.

In order to encourage yourself to persevere or to do the right thing, treat yourself like a good parent or a good coach would treat you. Identify your abilities and strong points. Acknowledge any progress you make. Point out to yourself a job well done. Remind yourself that mistakes are learning opportunities. Figure out ways to work on areas where you need to improve. Speak similar words of life to others as well. Identify their abilities and strong points. Acknowledge any progress they make. Point out to them a job well done. Remind them that mistakes are learning opportunities. Support them as they figure out ways to work on areas that need improvement.

Encouragement can bring out the best in us—both for the recipients and the givers of courage “injections.” An added bonus is that as you encourage others you tend to attract to yourself positive people. So you end up enjoying the supportive community that gets built up around you. This of course contributes both to your well-being and to theirs.